So for the past week and a half I have felt super tired and lethargic. I knew something was wrong so I went to the Dr. and got labs drawn. I thought it was my hemoglobin since I have a history of anemia, but I got the results today and it turns out I have hyperthyroidism. Crazy. I was always under the impression that this means you are full of energy and burning crazy amount of calories and losing weight like none other but it turns out I was wrong. My thyroid is so active that it is using up all of my energy leaving me exhausted and feeling like I'm going to faint. It increases your anxiety level and you get palpitatons and nervousness. The body compensates for the calories used by your thyroid being super active by increasing your appetite so you oftentimes don't lose weight at all. This is like HUGE. I have been on anxiety medication for a few years now and get light headed and weak so easily. I went from running 5-6 miles easily to being exhausted after 1 or 2.

When I was 17 I had anorexia and had to go to the doctor every two weeks to make sure I wasn't losing weight. He checked my thyroid and found that it was hyperactive but just said that we should monitor it and it would level out. A month or two later my levels were apparently normal and that was that. Shortly after I was put on anxiety medication because I always felt like my heart was racing and that I was going to pass out. It really makes me wonder if the anxiety issues may stem from my thyroid being out of whack for several years now. My mom and Grandfather both had partial thyroidectomys for thyroid issues, so it all makes sense now. Who knew?

well well. The new year has come and gone and I've all but disappeared from here. Busy with work and finishing up school. Jon got into med school!! He got home from another interview (in Cali!) last night. We decided we needed to have "the talk" as far as plans for next year go. Which is a little scarey, I'm not gonna lie, but super exciting and I'm ready for it.

I've been really good about running the past 2 monthes. I'm going every other day and then on the off days just going to the gym and ellipticalling and such. I've run for years but always slack off during the winter monthes. It makes it soooo hard to pick up again in the spring, so tis year I'm trying to truck through it. I wound up getting sick last weekend and that effed up my schedule a little, so I'm trying to get back on track. Running today and then Striptease Workout later. Love it. I'm actually kinda good...which is comforting to know that if this whole nursing thing doesn't work out, at least I could support myself stripping...perhaps!

I had a little girl on palliative care yesterday at work. Sad story, she's 15 and her brain tumor is inoperable. They aren't even doing chemo, just trying to make her comfortable. What made this hit home was that it turns out she's from Delaware and goes to the same school as my little brother. I pray that she isn't suffering and can have some time to spend with her family and that her pain is managed. But caring for her for the past two days gave me a chance to see the reality of what it means to be dying from cancer. She's completely out of it, neuro-wise she isnt there. I thought she was nonverbal until the afternoon when she turned to her mom and said "I love you mom, I don't want to die." It's heartbreaking. I love my job, but when you get patients like that it's so hard to still have hope for them. What do you do when they are at the point where treatment isn't an option but they are too sick to go home? Its such a challenge to care for these kids and be there to support the family when no matter what you do, this disease will kill her. Scary stuff.

This is horrible, I never stick to anything. But in the spirit of (advent??) it being finals week and all, I figured what better way to waste time than to type silly little thoughts to myself? Because lord knows I am the only person (I pray to God) who reads this. So here goes.

I managed to get a bladder infection and was peeing blood by the time I got home from work yesterday. For those of you who don't know, there are two basic ways that you contract such a thing. 1. You break the cardinal rule of wiping (ie: back to front) or 2. You fail to urinate immediately after sex, (or engage in such freaky sexual acts, butt germs are now residing in your pee-hole). So regardless of how this happened, I was dripping blood from my urethra. I am happy to report, thanks to Bactrim, I am healed.

My sister is pregnant and I think it's appropriate to leave her voicemails exclaiming "hey fatty!" or "girl how you get in them jeans, jeannnnns". I think this needs to stop. She called me crying yesterday that her clothes don't fit and she's gained 10lbs already and it's only been 8 weeks. No longer are my jokes funny, but I can't take all the credit. Her mother-in-law is an even bigger bitch and thought that it was necessary to ask Lindsey if she's sure she's only 2 months pregnant because she looks at least 3. Um, yea...

Tomorrow kicks off finals week. I can't say I'm overly concerned (which I should be) but moreso in denial and not feelin it. I feel like I deserve a break, a fucking favor, if you will. I've been in college for FIVE YEARS. Not by choice or laziness, but rather I'm in 5 year program. Around this time last year I started experiencing "senioritis". This cannot compare to what I feel now. I frequently skip class and show up unprepared for exams. Surprisingly I'm doing better then when I study hardcore. So therefore I am conducting a little experiment. I'm going to take my 4 finals this week with minimal studying. Infact, I'm not going to study anything except for econ (because in reality it WILL rape me). I'm not sure why this seems like a good idea, but I'm liking how laid back and relaxed I am. So here goes, two exams tomorrow...

Last night was very low key. Jon made french toast and we had breakfast for dinner...our favorite :) We watched a lot of Sopranos, our latest obsession, and layed low. It was so nice. I'd take a night at home with him over going out drinking with our friends any day. Went to Reading Terminal for breakfast today, Margo was a no show. I hope that is because she is busy packing and not because she is upset about the other night.

I need to go for a nice long run today. I always feel so much better after I run and I can just take that hour to think and be alone. I cant wait to go home and do Thanksgiving with the family. School is just not doable anymore. 5 years for a bachelors degree is a little much, and now that I'm at the end of my 5th year, I'm having such a hard time going to class and putting any effort into things. I love my job and wish I could just be done with school and nursing full time. I worry that Jon will get into med school outside of Philly and I'll have to choose between staying at CHOP and going with him. We both want to move to Seattle, but he hasnt heard from UW and is thinking he didnt get in there. If he gets into school in Vegas or like Nebraska or somewhere random, it may not be the opportunity that I need for my career. Its months away but certainly something I think about. And worry about. I wish I were more easy going and didnt get so caught up in worrying about things that either happened and I cant get over or are bound to happen eventually.

ugh I need to run.

Last night was a mightmare and I am so embarressed and upset over all of this. It was suppossed to be about Margo, her going away party before she moves to Boston this weekend, and somehow I got a little out of control and lost my shit. Shaina was there and I was irritated with her over recent events and felt the need to talk about it (ok, her) basically in front of her about all the reasons why she is a bitch and a piece of shit. Not cool. I was drinking (wine beer AND vodka...) and not catching on to everyones attempts to shut me up and went on and on. Embarressing. THEN I went to grab Jon and he pushed my hand away because he was annoyed with me and I lost it. I turned into that girl who is CRYING in the bar and in attempt to avoid making a scene, I left. I didnt realize at the time that doing so would CAUSE a scene, and Jon followed and we went home where we proceeded to argue and I decided it was ok to cry until 7 in the morning. What a mess. It was a buildup of a lot of things and I've been stressed and Jon wasnt willing to talk with me and communicate to me his concerns before it all escalated. I tried. We worked it out and are ok now, but I just feel so bad. I am 22 years old, I should know how to handle myself. I've been exhausted because I've been unable to sleep the past 3 nights and it just wore me down. Everyone was texting Jon last night like "what the fuck was that about?" and his roommate told him how rediculous I was being and decided to bag on him about that. I just feel terrible. I didnt think it was a big deal at the time, which is why I'm so confused. Dil was already talking about Shaina when I put my two cents in. Maybe it was uncalled for and I should have been the bigger person, but its been building up for so long and I just hate her. What hurts the most is that I probably made Shaina's night by arguing with Jon in front of her. I shattered the image of a perfect relationship, which is not even important, but I'm sure Shaina enjoyed that much. Jon just wants to move past it and feels really bad about the whole thing. I told him we can move on and be done with it, but in my head I am still obsessing over it. It was definitely a night of firsts and I cant stop replaying it all in my head. It amazes me how fast people can turn on you and how few true friends I have. I am just so sad.

Jon got his first med school interview yesterday!! I am so proud of him. I know he'll get in and be a wonderful doctor. It's for a school in Vegas. I doubt that I would want to live there, but we'll work it out. We had that whole conversation and decided we are ready to take that next step and start our life together. It's exciting. I never thought I'd be here. This is the most healthy relationship I have ever been in. We're learning to communicate with each other and that alone takes time and patience. It's a lot of work but I love it and I love him. It's so different than anything I have ever experienced and I am happy.

I ran 10 miles yesterday!!!! I've been running a few days a week between 3-6 miles each run but yesterday I was feeling good and it was nice out and I did the entire Kelly Drive loop and then around center city on my way back to the apartment. It felt so good. I'm a little sore but I'm impressed. I didn't think I could do that anymore. I havent run 10 miles in like 3 years, since I was at the University of Delaware. It was good though. I'd like to do the Broad St. run next year or something. I love running.

Crazy at work last night, so I stayed until 11pm to help out. Our friend Jake passed away after a long battle with Leukemia. It was so sad on the floor, we all loved him. I had all the babies again last night so that kept me busy.

Lindsey has gone off the deep end again. She is my sister and I know I should be there for her, but it's hard when she is so irrational. She makes her own decisions, I may not agree, but I support her regardless. I causually MENTION that I don't know what's going to happen next year if Jon get's into med school on the west coast and she looses it. We've had this conversation before, that we're talking about moving together because we want to stay together and avoid being long distance, but apparently this was news to her. She was crying and everything and like "you shouldn't move with a boy unless you are engaged, because THAT is commitment". Ummm....coming from someone who lived with her past 5 boyfriends, I can't really take you seriously. And as for relationship advice? You may be married now, but you are the LAST person I would come to with my relationship problems. So anyhow, she was like "I gotta go, I'll call you later" and never did. That was two days ago. Apparently she is not going back to school yet because buying a house is the priority and they want to have a baby. They just got married a month ago. Um, yeah...

I have the day off today! No work, no school. Contemplating what I want to do. It's crappy out so I'll have to run on the treadmill. Christmas shop maybe?!?!?