Last night was a mightmare and I am so embarressed and upset over all of this. It was suppossed to be about Margo, her going away party before she moves to Boston this weekend, and somehow I got a little out of control and lost my shit. Shaina was there and I was irritated with her over recent events and felt the need to talk about it (ok, her) basically in front of her about all the reasons why she is a bitch and a piece of shit. Not cool. I was drinking (wine beer AND vodka...) and not catching on to everyones attempts to shut me up and went on and on. Embarressing. THEN I went to grab Jon and he pushed my hand away because he was annoyed with me and I lost it. I turned into that girl who is CRYING in the bar and in attempt to avoid making a scene, I left. I didnt realize at the time that doing so would CAUSE a scene, and Jon followed and we went home where we proceeded to argue and I decided it was ok to cry until 7 in the morning. What a mess. It was a buildup of a lot of things and I've been stressed and Jon wasnt willing to talk with me and communicate to me his concerns before it all escalated. I tried. We worked it out and are ok now, but I just feel so bad. I am 22 years old, I should know how to handle myself. I've been exhausted because I've been unable to sleep the past 3 nights and it just wore me down. Everyone was texting Jon last night like "what the fuck was that about?" and his roommate told him how rediculous I was being and decided to bag on him about that. I just feel terrible. I didnt think it was a big deal at the time, which is why I'm so confused. Dil was already talking about Shaina when I put my two cents in. Maybe it was uncalled for and I should have been the bigger person, but its been building up for so long and I just hate her. What hurts the most is that I probably made Shaina's night by arguing with Jon in front of her. I shattered the image of a perfect relationship, which is not even important, but I'm sure Shaina enjoyed that much. Jon just wants to move past it and feels really bad about the whole thing. I told him we can move on and be done with it, but in my head I am still obsessing over it. It was definitely a night of firsts and I cant stop replaying it all in my head. It amazes me how fast people can turn on you and how few true friends I have. I am just so sad.